"Jerrod,"
I said, "that was the worst song I've heard in all my grizzled years!"
Infomercials
for Western Buckles?
"Well, I like
it," he said, innocently. "I'm going to use it to claw my way up to
selling western buckles for every store and infomercial there is! You'll see,
G.B. You are lookin' at a star whose light hasn't yet reached earth. I am going
to sell thousands of western buckles. I'm thinking I'll approach that Gold
Mountain Trading first."
I sat there on
the barrel, quiet for a beat or so. And then just a moment longer.
"Jerrod, I'm
right here, grounded to Planet Earth, and the only light I'm seein' are those
flashing from that ambulance I see comin' your way. Western buckles my ass!"
Obssessed with Western Buckles
Besides his obsession
with a fictional character, the other thing you have to know about Jerrod Campbell
is his obsession with western buckles. It doesn't matter what kind of western
buckles, he loves all kinds. Western buckles as trophy
buckles, western buckles as figure
buckles, and western buckles in all sorts of finishes. And, especially,
those beautiful ones from Gold
Mountain Trading.
"I think I
like western buckles in black nickel best!" he said. "Well, now wait,
I might be wrong about that. I sure love those colored western buckles, too."
I had nothing to
say. I mean, really … who cares?
"See, I'm
a gonna be all done up in my Jed Clampett get up and march on down there to
Gold
Mountain Trading and show 'em what for."
"Jere,"
I said, exasperated, "Jed Clampett never wore western buckles!"
Jerrod stared at
me, disbelieving, shaking his head to and fro.
"What do you
take me for, G.B.? Some kind o' dummy? You don't think I know that Jed never
wore western buckles?"
"Well, I don't
know what to think," I said. In my mind I was actually wondering how it
is that this guy has been successful at keeping his marriage afloat for the
last ten years.
Jerrod said, "The
thing is, Jed Clampett should have wore western buckles."
"It's 'worn,'"
I said.
"Huh?"
"It's 'worn'
not 'wore'"
Sorry, I'm just
one of them guys who can't stand bad grammar.
Western Buckles
in the 21st Century
"Whatever!
Don't you get it? Jed Clampett should have wore western buckles so I'm
going to be bringin' him into this here 21st Century. Those folks down there
are Gold
Mountain Trading are gonna be like "Whoa! Check him out … he's
like Jed Clampett but all cowboy-like! Jed Clampett with western buckles …
let's put him in all our advertisements. I'm tellin' ya, G.B., I am gonna make
a killing at this western buckles thing."
His whole idea,
of course, was ludicrous. I don't need to explain why. But I've always believed
that in these United States of Ideas, it's not the idea that makes you rich
but how much you believe in it. Didn't Colonel Sanders try and sell his finger
lickin' goodness for something like 10 years before anyone gave a hoot? And
I've gotta say, when Jerrod Campbell - goofy as he is - gets his mind set on
something, it's set in granite.
"It doesn't
matter what I think about your Hillbilly Western Buckles idea," I told
him. Lookin' him square now, "What matters is that you believe in
your Hillbilly Western Buckles idea. I truly mean what I'm sayin' to you, Jerrod."
Finally, the man
got relaxed a bit. He had been all jizzed up on his western buckles / Hillbillies
idea and knew that everyone would think him more than a bit loony. But hearing
my acceptance went a long way to getting him settled down a bit. But I did have
one question.
"Why Gold
Mountain Trading? What's with this outfit vis a vis your western
buckles?" I asked.
"Have you
ever been up to their store?"
"No, where
is it?"
The Finest
Selection of Western Buckles
"Somewhere's
out there Arizona way, off the interstate. They have the finest selection of
western buckles you'll ever see. And they sell 'em to folks all over the world
from their website, Gold
Mountain Trading. Did I ever tell you that there's a Beverly Hillbillies
fan club in Austria?"
"Uh …
yep."
"Okay, well
now you see, don't you?" he asked. I really didn't, but that's besides
the point.
"The folks
at Gold
Mountain Trading are the experts at western buckles. They know all about
western buckles because western buckles is who they are and what they do. I'm
gonna march in there in my full Jed outfit, sportin' their buffalo
buckle and start singin' my buckin' bulls song. They'll want to pay me big
bucks right then and there to sign a contract for bein' their western buckles
spokesman!"
You know, it just
might work.
